Life moves on...

I have decided to move on in my life after having spent half my life working... What am I feeling? Guess I am feeling indifferent at this point of time since it was a decision long due for me. I know I will face my share of sadness because after all I was best known to be working and now I do not have anything to do anymore. Who said life was fair and square all the time :)

After 14 years, 01-Feb-13 was a day when I just couldn't bring myself to sleep. Not only did I leave my job but I also went through a lot of other emotions to add to my already existing saga of episodes. I hurt someone whom I cared for so much and I know no matter what I do, I cannot make up for that loss. That void will always be in my heart and there are so many questions I have in my mind which are unanswered. Why can't things be less complicated? Why should I have to make a choice between right and wrong? Why should I have to justify my actions to people whom I consider my good friends? Why should I feel that life will be not so easy henceforth?

Negative thought can make or break your life. In this particular moment I am feeling at loss of words and yet I am managing to pen down my thoughts... Which only means one thing... My brain is still functioning and unlike how hurt or disappointed I am with things that have happened... Life will just move on! I have decided to write this as a part of my dedication to one person who made an impact in my ever so boring life in the last few days of my end of career.

He was someone I hardly knew and someone whom I had a lot of weird perceptions about. I met him first almost 2 months back when I put down my papers and till date I am just trying to figure out what made me even think of him as one of the people who would make a difference. He was distant and focused of what he was doing and our interaction was very limited. If someone would have asked me 2 months back if I could ever be a friend to him; maybe I would have outright denied it. Like I said he was too different and unlike all the other friends / colleagues I have met.

Just a month back I happened to meet him again and something made us speak to each other... Some connection or maybe the fact that I was anyways moving on in life made him speak to me. I thought he was being good to me without even knowing the reason why... Trust me if anyone would have spoken to me in the last months with good intuition, I would have still just thought that it was more to do with my living work than to do anything with me persay! Anyways it was not like we hit it off well the minute we started speaking and all was well until the last week of my time at work...

We started chatting endlessly and it became an addiction to me (any kind of addiction can lead to a lot of damage in the future - hence learn to stay away from addiction). Such a tough addiction that I hardly wanted to spend even a single moment away and I wanted to hold onto every moment we spent together speaking about nothing in particular. Things were just fine until I made him feel conscious about how things were turning out to be... Maybe the expectation we both set for each other was more complicated than we thought. I have one very naive quality in me which is once I get close to people, I find it very hard to stay away from getting further closer.

In exactly 1 week's time, we got close to each other and we also have made each other's lives miserable (more from my end than his). And I do not know if we will ever speak to each other or not anymore after what I have done! I have lost a good friend whom I could confide in at any point of time (be it personal or professional) and I am not sure if I will ever learn from this a lesson which I should have learnt ages back! I will try and keep myself detached henceforth because being attached is surely not helping me and nor the other person involved.

This has been the same case when I got attached to "My Angel" first and now even we are going through a rough phase in life since I am unable to accept that she has grown to be a beautiful and smart woman who knows how to lead her life without having a nagging cousin around her all the time... So many times I have been told by my near and dear ones that being close is alright however getting yourself too attached and making it an addiction can only lead to complications, but I had to learn this the hard way after having lost so many relationships on the way to where I am now with this last one being the biggest blow for me (Like I said I do not really know what happened that got us connected in the first place and what is it that made us reach this stage of separation).

I take this opportunity to thank "Him" and all my other good friends for staying ariound and being there to tolerate my tantrums without making me feel how annoyingly irritating I was :) If in case I can make up now by saying a heartfelt "SORRY" for every little painful time I have given in the past, then please accept my apology. Something in me has woken up with the twisted relationship I had with this friend for a week and I am just hoping that this would probably be the second turning point of my life... To accept and realize my mistakes and to move on...

Girl with Twinkling Eyes!!!

Children grow up fast and the attachment we have towards them is infectious. Rhea, is a 3 year old niece who is like sun and fresh air. She is definition of joy, laughter and kindness. We might be our own bosses otherwise but when Rhea is at home, automatically we become a slave to the needs and demands of her. In case of Rhea, she is very simple and does not ask for anything except love and attention (which I am sure every one of us demands for even at this age and time). She can bring a smile to your face when you most need it. Those big black eyes, pouty mouth and explosion of straight soft hair always control my heartstrings.

She is very shy in nature and generally takes time to adjust to the environment when there are new people around else she is all over the place, playing and enjoying herself. Dad is her best teacher whereas Mom is her best friend and they both are always on their toes when she is in a mood to play and have fun. Her Granny dotes her and her Aunt’s world revolves around her. She believes in us at every step of her life (even when we do not believe in ourselves), and she's the most easy going child I have ever met. You will just fall in love with her when you see her (you cannot stay away). She is a very special kid in her own way and she knows it too (she is a smart one too!)…

She is loveable and she is very precious for all her near and dear ones. She is the youngest in the family and is doted by everyone (old and young). While she enjoys her day by studying, singing, dancing, playing and speaking – she makes a fuss only while eating. Like all children of her age, she needs to be really very hungry and her appetite should be good for her to eat without making fuss over it.

She looks just like her father and she has currently just started learning words to pronounce and write. For her age, she is way too smart and intelligent (has to be since both her parents are) and I am sure she will grow out to be just a pretty looking Diva and a beauty with brains!

My Sunshine - My Bundle of Joy!

Finally I have decided to write about my niece NIVA! My 1 year and 3 month old niece is my latest addiction; needless to state any specific reason - Guess the picture says it all. She has just reached the age of identifying and recognizing people around her and the person she keeps looking for all the time is her "Mother". Her routine throughout the day is to sleep, get fed, sleep, wake up, get fed, play, have a shower, sleep, wake up, get fed, play, go for a stroll, get fed and sleep... Now how I wish at times that was my routine too (funny how we wish to be small again when we are around kids). She has an interesting life and sometimes I wish I could read her mind to know what she goes through when people around her keep watching her and pulling her cheeks all the time. It is very hard to know when she wakes up from her sleep since she is a child who hardly cries. Most of the time she only cries when she is hungry but rarely cries when she wakes up from her sleep - she keeps playing in her bed unless and until someone notices she is awake.

Grandfather loves her, Grandmother cannot live without her, Father's pampered daughter and Mother's perfect baby is my one and only Sunshine - My Bundle of Joy! Time spent with her cannot be forgotten and time spent away from her is a punishment for us since we will not be able to be with her as frequently as we want. I spent almost 2 weeks with her (sometime last year while she was just 7 months old) and my experience with her was a little different of how it was with "My Angel" and "My Princess" though a lot of her actions did remind me about them very often (especially "My Angel"). She never did come with me since she was not sure of who I was (it was a new face for her) and unlike “My Angel” I never held her much in my arms.

She is adorable and pretty and the only way I have stayed in touch with her (most of the time) is through What's App and emails... Thanks to my sister who makes it a point to send her pictures and videos as and when she gets time (which is almost every day, by demand). We do try to catch up on Skype as well however Niva is not the one who admires anything that is moving on the Ipad however she is a gizmo freak and loves to pull everything that is available for her to play with! All I now want to do is just fly to her and spend some real quality time with my baby... Hopefully she will let me be part of her world and I know I will treasure all this moments I will spend with her. Thanks to advance technology, I am in touch with my niece as frequent as I want to be. NIVA, we love you and I am coming to meet you soon...

Friends... Enemies... Frenemy!!!

I don't know what exactly is making me write this but I know for a fact that this is the only way I can get things out of my system and in the open. I have always lived my life surrounded by wonderful people in every stage of my life; how you value these wonderful relationships is what this is all about. At this age and time when I am alone (at least in the way everyone describes it) I hold on to these wonderful experiences of my life to make me strong. Yes, there are times when I feel lonely and cry over things, but then who does not? Every human being goes through such phases; some show it and some take it to their death beds without sharing it. Guess I am one of those people who shows or rather speak about their feelings. There is nothing right or wrong about showing or not showing your true feelings. It depends on how you feel about the whole concept and that is all that matters at the end of the day. I believe that as and when time passes by you should not regret anything that you wanted to say and didn't end up saying.

I have lived alone for way too long and maybe that is why every small relationship matters to me. People who have known me for ages or people who have known me just for months think that they know everything about me. Maybe they do; maybe they think do or maybe they just do not get it. I am going through a stage where I have suddenly, in the last 4 months gotten close to a few people. However it is not at all necessary that they feel the same way. They have their lives and their friends and family to deal with whereas I am wondering what it is that has made me so attached to these few people and what is it I crave or want from them.

Obviously like everyone my age; my insecurities are making me hold me onto things which were never meant to be. Maybe I should just learn to be happy with what I have and let go of the things that are just not meant to be. Is it possible or is it going to be hard? Guess only I can deal with the answers to these questions. I have tried to break ties off completely with people who have pretended to be my friends and well-wishers but it just does not happen because in this whole case I am the one who needs them more then they need me (trust me this is not just a statement but it is reality). They also need me; but only at times when they have no one around them. I need them always. “ALWAYS” cannot be defined more specifically since the word says it all. I wake up with a hope that one of them would remember to wish me and go to bed only once I know that the ones who matter to me are happy about how their day had been. What about my happiness? Happiness is what you want it to be. You can be happy by just eating an ice-cream or chocolate. You can be happy by doing what you like doing best. So why does “Happiness” have to be linked with how other human beings feel or what others go through?

While I am here sulking about not having any attention from the people who mean the world to me, one of them is watching movies with a friend, the other one is having a gala time with family; one is busy getting ready to go out for dinner with friends…and so on and so forth. But no one seems to care about what I’m doing. It is not because I do not have friends or family; it is more because I want few particular friends to be with me and not just physically but mentally too. Sounds like I am all selfish by wanting people around me all the time but then but then what are friends for if they do not understand the feelings without having to spell it out. I know men can be very bad at expressing how they feel or what they want…but then at the end of the day they are people too and they should know that there is always a reaction to what they say and do. Maybe that is also too much of an expectation; maybe they cannot handle so much attention without having a valid reason. I recently read a blog where one of my friend’s managed to capture how men are different from women (at least to a large extent on how they handle emotions) and I agree with every word written. In the end of the day I have learnt a lesson; “Happiness” is something that comes from within and should not be linked to useless people who have no time to care or understand about your feelings since they have their own saga to deal with.

I end this blog with a thought…

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end." –- Author Unknown.

PS: This blog has been edited and reviewed before it got published.

When friends part ways...

Whether for good or bad, whether for life or for a short period… Friends do part ways. Maybe not intentionally but then life is just so unpredictable that nothing is constant except for “Change”. You are totally attached to one person and your life revolves around that one individual and suddenly things change because they both part ways…not because they want to but because the circumstances are like that.

How do you cope up with such distances? How do you try and forget all those lovely moments that have been spent together without shedding some thoughts and tears? How do you find that cheerful smile from your friend when you need it most in your life?

This particular BLOG is dedicated to the most wonderful friend who vanished off into a different world just due to unavoidable circumstances. This blog is dedicated to my friend whom I miss the most every minute of my life. This blog is dedicated to my friend who is smart and very intelligent during all times. This blog is dedicated to my friend who can make me smile always. This blog is dedicated to my friend who has been with me through good times and tough times… and so the story continues!!! There are too many good things about my friend which I can go on and on about… but then this space would only be full of it.

I am sure everyone in our lives at one point of time or the other has always wanted to be close to a friend who would just be like someone whom I have described in this BLOG; after all life will be dull and void in case we do not have friends in our lives. With a true friend like her in my life - I do not have worry about courtesies and formalities, I do not have to worry about calling her at odd hours, I do not have to worry about crying on her shoulders when required, I do not have to worry about sharing anything and everything, I can speak everything that is there in my mind without having to think twice about how she would take it and most importantly I do not have to worry about being alone (forever and ever). Important trait in such relations is that we are not much worried about exposing ourselves. We are unguarded and open with all our talks (no secrets). She is more of a family member to me and I only wish she could come back soon so that she just does not get missed too much.

There is not a single day which does not start and end without my thinking about her… And I guess things will always remain dull and boring without her being around. She was so active and full of life throughout the day and maybe that is why she is being missed so much amongst everyone whom she knew. She touched the lives of people whom she came to know even for a short duration. Her radiant smile used to cheer us all up no matter how low we felt. Every day was a new day for us when she was around whereas now it has become monotonous and predictable. The last couple of weeks when she was around we ensured that we all met up everyday no matter how busy each one of us. She had that spark in her which made us all friends come together.

She has changed my life by being a part of it (in a positive way). She can make me laugh and she can make me believe that there really is good in the world (when I get all low and feel there is nothing good happening). She has convinced me that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for me to open it. When I am down and the world around seems to be dark and empty, she lifts me up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. She gets me through the hard, tough and confused times. I might have walked out on her during certain situations, but she kept following me (after all she was my forever friend). She has made me believe that I have a friend forever (I have nothing to worry with her being around) and forever has no end. She is currently like this star, which cannot always be seen but I know she is always there.

Life is too hard to bear without her being around and no matter what people say; you will ALWAYS be a GOOD FRIEND!!!

“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand” – One famous quote by an unknown author which is so true in our case.

I miss you a lot. Please come back soon!!!

The end of "Conversation"

With a lot of social media sites that have been developed, question we need to ask each other is – Have we as individuals lost the charm of having face to face conversation with friends and family? I guess the answer would be “Yes”!!! I have lost touch with some of my friends who stay in the same city and the same area but the only time we meet is on the net… With Orkut, Facebook, Twitter and other Social media sites, nobody has time for actual conversations anymore.

Conversation is interactive, more-or-less spontaneous, communication between two or more conversants which does not exist anymore in our world.

Anyone and everyone are connected on the social media sites and it is much easier to make time on the net these days than in person. Where has the charm disappeared of meeting for lunches and coffees gone? Where has the charm of writing letters (not emails) gone? Where has the charm for sending those messages with full words and full meanings gone? Half the time I do not even understand the half written messages and I need to ask that question with people who send the messages as to what they mean!!! Strange it sounds; but it is the fact that cannot be just forgotten.

I went through the communication training (and we had a wonderfully nice and sweet trainer) only to realize that writing emails or messages without addressing a person is an offence. How many of us know the importance of such minute things… None of us I believe. No matter in whichever level or position you are, how long does it takes to write a “Dear ….” not much. Yet we will just write a one liner with what is expected and then leave it at that. Be it on emails or messages; the point is everyone has a name and every individual has to be shown that respect while expecting a response back.

Go to think of it… I guess many people do not even meet each other because of the fact that no one these days value each other’s time. I have been stranded in the middle of nowhere by friends during odd hours just because of some emergency that happens at their end and just because they cannot even inform about the emergency in this time and generation when cell phones are available with even a school going kid. Times have changed and things around us have also changed. The word “Change” is the only thing that is constant and if we do not learn to adapt to changes then the probability of us surviving in this world is going to be more of a challenge.

Once we adapt to all the changes that is happening then life would be much simpler and easier to handle (at least I believe so). People should get back to those old ways of communicating while being away from each other (phone calls and hand written letters). For that matter, even we should get back to maintaining a personal diary. Not a bad idea only provided that the hand-writing can be just a pass through. For people who have not used pen and a paper for ages (thanks to computers and laptops); writing is another task which is better avoidable.

It generally takes more time to write than to type for people these days. I would like to narrate a few incidents which have made me raise questions to myself.

A friend of mine (from the same city) called me one day after ages and asked me how I was. I obviously was well hence answered the call in the first place. I said I am doing very well and asked how things were for which my friend replied that everything was fine except for too much of work. Now tell me one person who is working (only for namesake) and who will tell that there is no work left to do while being at work. Guess no one!!! Even I am busy at work but then I do make time for other priorities as well (trust me, I used to never do it till lately I learnt that we work to live our life and it is not the other way around and it also should not be the other way around). Anyways this friend of mine has to still reach that stage in life to get that figured out… Or is it my thinking that actually needs to change? Question to ponder.

Another interesting fact / story, has kept me wondering for a while… There is a very famous saying “Out of sight, Out of mind”… Does this really apply for all of us? Guess so… Now the story on the famous quote which might have everyone else thinking too. I was working in Bangalore from end of 2006 to beginning of 2008 during which time I met a lot of people and made some good friends too post which on account of job, I moved in to a different city. Initially all of us were in touch through calls and emails however after a certain period of time things just started changing. Like I said before, the word “Change” has had a bigger impact in my life than anyone else’s I guess… Just a statement made and no offence meant to anyone here. I came back to Bangalore in 2009 however to a different center. Hence again it was just the same and there was no progress done to approach or meet my friends whom I had known to be good friends during one phase of my life. Recently I moved back to my old center and all I have been doing is trying to spend time with my old friends. Obviously a lot of gap and a lot of changes in their fronts and mine made it a little difficult to strike the same chord again. It was “I” who tried to even get in touch with the past again hence I guess I have no one else to blame but myself by assuming that everything would just be the same as it was 5 years back.

Another fable which kept me thinking on my toes… Why do always the rich men fall in love with pretty pauper ladies and why is it vice versa? By the way I read a lot of romantic novels just because of the lack of romance in my life… Yeah, I know lack of romance is a gap that cannot be cured by reading romantic novels but then for some people (people like me) falling in love is a task much too difficult to handle and reading a book and experiencing those emotions is much simpler and easier. Anyways while we are on this topic; lately I have started noticing that romance is something which no longer exists at all. Nowadays even romance happens over a phone call because both the partners are busy trying to make a career for themselves. Okay, there are some cases where I have also seen people go to extremes of making each other happy…but then these partners are either not married as yet or probably they have just started seeing each other or much worse case scenario… the partner is not the only one who gets all attention (I meant to refer to the married bachelors and spinsters). No wonder the divorce rate is just increasing all around. Are we getting too influenced by movies / TVs / Foreigners? 99% of the conventional people will respond back stating that it all because of either one of the 3 reasons… however what about being influenced by your own individual brain? What if the problem is in your own thinking? Then why or what account should anyone else be answerable or assaulted for not doing anything. Trust me, no one likes to accept their own flaws and that is when the whole of the outside world gets blamed for everything that goes wrong.

It is very easy to be proud of all the good things you have done to make your family and friends happy around you however it takes a lot more courage to come front and admit your mistakes to a large audience.

More stories and more realities to be shared…but for which you will have to wait for me write again J

“Confidence contributes more to conversation than wit”

New Beginning

The year 2011 has begun and finally a lot of things have started moving on...For good and for bad (it is all in the mind).

In my personal life, my best bum chum has moved to a different location in the very beginning of the year. Obviously the task was more difficult for her than for those of us who just had to bid her "bye". She had to go and all I can say is that I would miss her like crazy and that space in my heart for her will only always remain just for her... No one can fill that void space I have in my heart because it is not easy to be HER!!!

In my professional life, I have moved into a different role and also a different center. Phew... Nothing is fixed and predictable is all I have to say. In the end of the day it was my decision to move on so for this bit of it I just have to say... I, and only I, am the culprit :)

So much to say and so little time... Will be back with a few more posts on my new blog!!! Keep watching the space :)